Rumble Roses review

It’s interesting to see mankind let its natural instincts blind itself. It’s of common knowledge that the use of sexual depictions in commerce, and/or anything media related, will spike the proverbial drink of the human race and leave us as nothing but putty in the hands of today’s trade market.

Whether you’re watching Television or walking through your local market place, you’ll certainly encounter at least one or two advertisements or promotions that consume your attention with a bit of bare skin.

The most depressing part of it is, although we may be aware of how easily we’re fooled, there never seems to be anything we can do about it except sit around and wait for the next shot of some nipple to come on our TV’s.

Now I don’t know whether Konami is in the know about the aforementioned statement, or whether the feminists of the office rioted for a solely female game, but you can bet your last Rolo that the array of scantily clad women prancing around so aggressively in Rumble Roses will contribute to its pulling power, and believe me, that’s misplaced attention. Has Konami really stooped this low? Read on and find out.

Let’s Get Ready To Rumble…

With Yuke’s SmackDown! engine at its helm, RR will peak the ears of wrestling fans world wide before the ladies have even undone their bra’s. The game sports ten main playable characters – 20 if you include their unlockable counterparts – each welding a plethora of essential-jiggling moves. Something you’ll come to enjoy if you can withstand the horrendously long introduction sequences for the players.

Furthermore, to add insult to injury, the gameplay itself appears a little sluggish. Characters plod around the arenas – which, unlike the moves, lack substantial diversity – like stoned sloth’s, and as a result of poor collision detection, you’ll find yourself tearing your hair out in frustration as you get your arse kicked when it should’ve been you serving up the pain.

Consequently, the pace of the game also makes every encounter you have far more painstaking that it should. The lack of mobility results in long, gruesome fights that make you feel like turning your attention to your PS2 and emulating the maliciousness.

Losing feels almost unacceptable considering what you have to face all over again, and although wrestling in the real world is (fundamentally) very turn-based, RR seems overly formulaic in that you and your adversary are essentially taking turns.

Well, when I say taking turns, I mean you fumbling around with your PS2 controller, swaying it side to side mashing buttons but getting nowhere, and your opponent randomly flipping herself onto the floor and doing drop-moves as a result of a firm and relentless lack of spatial awareness. Not only does this not bode well for the developers, it just looks ridiculous.

Fight Fable…

Speaking of ridiculous, RR has two central game modes, Story and Exhibition. Story mode comprises of a depressingly ineluctable narrative backed by more stereotypes than a teen art exposition, and gutted with such horrendous voice acting that you’ll wonder if Steven Seagal is going to make an appearance as a cheery, but deadly fighting Ninja woman. Alongside those pretences, Story mode (and Exhibition) includes two types of fight.

One sees you set in a standard wrestling ring that no one will fail to recognise, and the second finds you and your opponent battling it out in… Wait for it… A mud pit. If the game didn’t make what little attempt it does at being a real game, I would go as far as to say that the mud pit plays no other role than to see the ladies falling about getting covered in, what appears to be, melted Galaxy chocolate bars.

It’s interesting at first to watch the mud run off the characters after they’ve fallen over, but it exhausts its appeal at a rapid rate after you realise how utterly dull and insignificant it is.

The icing on the cake, however, is the nauseating moral connotations that run so freely through the story. Understandably, an all-female Wrestling game does seem like a good idea, but to add lessons for the younger generation of the world is just insane.

Especially considering the abundance of underdressed ladies. Is this how we’re teaching the world’s youth to view women? In saying that, the true intentions of the game are made palpable from the onset, and although it’s not out to corrupt youngsters, it doesn’t take itself that seriously either.

The Exhibition mode is far more merciful. No dedication is required, you just select the option from the eye-saw intro GUI and you’ll be whisked away to a land of getting kicked in the face. It’s more of a pick-up-and-play mode and to be honest, after looking at the Story Mode, it’s refreshing to have to deal with nothing but fighting. No adventures, no bad voice acting, and better (but still pretty bad) loading times.

Other than the options menu, of course, there’s a Gallery mode where you can view the characters you’ve unlocked in a full and quite impressive 3D style. Once again though, bearing in mind that there’s a zoom option, it comes across as a redundant function. It’s indisputably just a means of getting a more intimate look at the characters you play with, and judging by the seductive swaying and stretching the ladies do while you ogle them, there’s no real use for it bar pitching trouser tents.

Pretty Women…

Although RR is running on a relatively old system, the aesthetics of the game are the most appealing factor. As I’m sure you can see from the screenshots, the model renders are superb, if a little disproportioned, but we all know why that is.

Every character is caked in detail, unlike clothing, and you really see the game shine throughout the intricate, but limited selection of arenas. The texturing on everything you see excluding areas less visible such as the crowds is exemplary, and although everything, especially characters, can look a little shiny at times, generally you’ll be force fed bucket-loads of eye candy.

Tag-teaming the graphics is some very believable animations. All characters move in a very sinuous manner and hold themselves (Oi) like they have some substance to them. Seeing the women throw each other around, interacting with the environment is an enjoyable experience to say the least and let’s face it, in fighting games fluidic animation is obligatory.

I Am Rose, Hear Me Rumble…

Although RR is by no means a let down when it comes to the audio side of things, it consistently haunted me that Konami had put very little effort into it and merely focused on other things.

Don’t get me wrong, fighting games aren’t exactly the quintessential testing grounds for the latest in audio technology, but RR consists, predominantly, of sounds you long to hear at the end of a Friday night in town on the pull and far too many J-Pop interpretations of modern day music.

It’s clear that music plays a small part in fighting games, but I feel it prudent to include a suitable soundtrack instead of a random mishmash of horrific Japanese artists. Functional, but needs attention.

For a game that jet-packs over the line of vulgarity then tries to justify itself with morals and a well known engine, RR isn’t that bad of a game. If you overlook the shockingly ill-founded story mode and array of redundant features, you might find you’ll enjoy yourself.

All the same, unless you happen to be a die-hard wrestling fan or a female equality activist, I’d go and play a more sincere wrestling game that doesn’t try exploit the good ol’ sex sells idea and is considered less of a gimmick for the deprived.