Crash: Twinsanity review

Crash is all dressed up tonight. After his recently publicised move from semi-2D to fully-formed 3D it looks like he’s ready to play in the big league. Invitation to tonight’s platform character bash in one hand, bottle of cheap Chablis in the other, he’s making his way to Mario’s house for a platformer’s dinner and dance.

His old nemesis Neo Cortex is along for hors d’oeuvres as well. They’ve become something of a team in their recent game. A friend of my friend is my enemy kind of a thing requiring a reluctant partnership, with Crash content to throw and smash the bad doctor around for the purpose of clearing a path through the levels.

That’s what it should have been all about anyway, when there’s actually something more to it than that, and not all of it good. The Cortex angle is interesting: working together for the greater good, but it’s really just two characters joined together as one (a la Crystal Dynamics’ Whiplash) with the added ability to throw Cortex over gaps to activate switches and shoot the occasional enemy.

Mostly though, it’s Crash on his own jumping on crates in linear levels, regressing back to the fixed camera paths and occasional run towards the screen hideousness of his earlier titles. Full of horrible obstacles where life is cheaper than own brand sausages and just as tasteless. It’s often hard to see what’s coming, what with the unresponsive camera making jumps hard to judge. No wonder there’s such an abundance of lives around.

Bonus Content

Talking of lives, Twinsanity may be gunning for the top, but it’s still old-school. Eschewing a proper hub structure, the main story’s a one-way trip around the levels, but like a prize draw envelope promising immense riches, it ultimately disappoints. T

The extra things to do feature after the plot’s finished with is limited to that grand tradition of collecting crystals. Crystal unlocking, concept art and movie clips. With the chance to access any level at any time after completion, you would think this would improve the game somewhat, playing on the old longevity trick of obtaining 100% in the form of every crystal. But no.

No? Because it highlights how badly designed the level structure is. For one, it’s got a self-contained level lock-in which you can’t escape from except by way of completing it.

Losing lives means starting at the various pretty fair restart points. Losing them all means starting the whole level again. Ah, that’s retro, you say. Not when in-game cut-scenes can’t be skipped, not when it doesn’t allow you to acknowledge any crystals you happened to pick up, not when one level at least has the punishing spectacle of a platform section, a mid-level boss, a chase section and end-level boss to sweat past without being able to turn the console off for dinner.

It also ties in with the long linear nature of the game, with levels in levels making collecting crystals even more of a chore because it either means going round to start again, or loading up and losing what crystals you’ve gained. Two levels, for instance where you surf downhill (initially clever until you start dying because you just don’t know what’s coming next) are possible to accidentally complete without getting what you want, resulting in a dour trek back up to the start.

Crash Course

But: what’s all this collecting crystals business, you say? That’s a silly little bonus after finishing the game, isn’t it? Forget about that. Let’s not get into a discussion of whether the little extension side-quests contribute to opinion of the whole game quite yet.

Suffice to say, of course they do – simply look at the GTA series for the obvious answer. Yet, whatever the case, it’s worth mentioning in contrast to the general brevity of the main game. A good size but still over too soon, if that’s not too paradoxical a statement. Jumping from level to stereotyped level (The jungle, The ice caves, The haunted house), all the while it not making much sense. Platform games making much sense? Surely not.

When you have the talent of one of the Ren and Stimpy writers, however, it’s a different matter entirely because you expect some quality in your script. Which you do get, admittedly, but only through a fug of bad plot. Sometimes it’s as if they’d taken the script, shredded it and tried to piece it back together as best they could, not worrying about missing a few bits out or getting it back to front. Like, ooh, the bit where some classic Crash bad guys seem to be partaking in a treasure-hunting subplot that doesn’t seem to exist beyond a few tedious boss fights and a bad in-joke.

Mario Party

Good things come in the form of a side-scrolling challenge: running ahead to protect a panicking Cortex from the various traps in his way. Two levels of that around the usual platforming drudge.

Playing as Cortex with a laser gun gives some satisfaction as it means not associating yourself with the insipid smug face of Crash anymore. Finally, the end brings a new character into the fold in the shape of Nina Cortex who can hookshot over gaps and up walls, but it’s too late. Too late after dying too many times through frustration and anger.

The final levels positively encourage you to achieve zen-like levels of concentration as you determinedly edge your way carefully through without losing a life because failure means having to play it all again and the rage meter bubbling over.

But, big props to the music: an infectiously good acapella of bah-bah-doo-wop tunes that actually fit in with the so-called wacky nature that Traveller’s Tales strives for. They’re from a band called Spiralmouth if you want to check them out, who...

Oh, Crash and Cortex have arrived at the party, a little late after dying several times over on the way there. Crash gives a foolish grin as the door opens to Mario’s butler.

"Ah, Crash and Cortex," he sniffs beckoning them in. "This way."

And off he leads him, passing him by a door accidentally left ajar. Inside a plush drawing room where he spies Sonic and Banjo in hearty discussion with Clank; Jak dancing with Jade and Viewtiful Joe; Simon Belmont slumped merrily on a futon.

And it’s gone, the butler taking them down the hall, into the kitchen, down some steps, along a damp corridor and into a barely-furnished strip-lit room.

"Your party’s in here," he says and slams the door behind them.

Crash looks around. Spyro gives him a wan smile. Hugo, Ty, Tak, and Croc are congregating around a plate of plastic-looking sausage rolls. Dr Muto spills his drink over his tuxedo. Rayman picks at some paper confetti. Other guests mill around forlornly

"Hello," says Gex offering a paper cup of carton wine. "Haven’t seen you in a while. I think the party’s going to kick off real soon. Our host must still be getting ready. Any moment now and this place’ll be jumping. People are probably a little late. You know how the roads are this time of night."

Cortex sighs and takes a long drink.